Lot of parents take their job real seriously.It is actually great.But the old tamil adage, too much of anything will give the opposit effects ,proves right here too.
Let us examin how this happens.When we think of our child as too young to look after himself and do everything for him without even giving an oppertunity to be his ownself.Some mothers actually are filled with pride when they say" My family cannot do anything in my absense." What we are doing here is ,making him a dependent,who leans on other people for even ordinary needs.Later on any responsibility will scare him.This will in turn carode his self confidence,self worth and lead to insecurity,not able to adjust when his usual comforts are absent.This reminds me of the scene in the last emperor when the imprisoned king struggles to tie his shoe lace.
The child learns to speak by observing us.Imitates by babbling,later on works his vocal chords to come out with the exact words.From the time of his birth he works at making himself into a man ,as montessori says.Struggles with his muscles to walk, run, write, work.Real challenge!He surpasses every stage himself.What a joy! No one can do away this hard work which he has to do for himself.
But as he reaches the age of two.he thinks "O.k now I can walk,even run.My hands can reach my mouth and do whatever I order them with some sloppyness but still I can manage with a little difficulty,.I can think and understand a little bit.Now I can be more independent with a little adult guidance".It is at this point we suddenly decide to take over.
We think"He is too young to feed himself,most of what he grabs will fall.and what a mess I woould have to clean up later!"He has hands.But we would not let him the pleasure of feeding himself.He tries to rebel by not allowing another morsel into his mouth .We wait for our chance and as soon as he opens his mouth to speak or anything ,we immediately push a big lump into his mouth.He rebels even more.We lable him problem eater.
The same goes for sleeping and learning.We do not let him think of sleep as a normal process.It is made out to be his time for tantrums and our time for singing lullabis,or some people like to take him for a ride in the car until he sleeps.He must be really proud of himself for making us do all the funny stuff to feed and put him to sleep!!!
Let us see another type of parents. They are very protective-so very protective they want to prevent any possible calamities way ahead of its time. They would all the time be running behind the child calling out"Don’t jump .You may fall. Don’t go out .It is going to rain. You may catch a cold. Don’t touch that gadget. It may break.” It would be a real wonder if the child comes out unscathed from all this shielding. What are the parents giving to this child? A life of fear of taking risk. When a mother throws a fit everytime a child cries saying” He might catch fever if he cries too much, actually lends herself to be easily manipulated by the child.
There are so many different ways parenting is done as many variety of temperaments. Take for example the permissive parents who do not want to sadden their little child.They dance to every whims and fancies of the child. They would not hesitate to go out in a raging stormy midnight to fulfill their child ‘s frivolous demand. But how long they will be happy to abide.
Soon they will see their child turning out to be a selfish person with ruthless demands and no appreciation for anyone’s effort. He wants things. So he feels it is his right that others should fulfill it for him. It might also lead him to having no inner control and becoming addicted to his whims. The child in this case would really be wishing inwardly for somebody to draw a definite line of control. He would be afraid of his own aggressive behavior. He will be an unfulfilled and dissatisfied person too. The same loving parents will resent themselves for not being effective parents.
This makes us turn the spotlight on disciplinarian parents. This is also not good when carried beyond a point. In the name of discipline children may be punished in disproportion to their deeds. Disciplinarians concentrate so much on the behavior aspects they might leave emotional scars on them. Most disciplinarians cannot bring themselves to hug or kiss their children, bond or be close to them depriving them of these rich emotional experiences.
Their concentration is on how things should be without taking into account the reality of limitations, temperaments and capabilities. They attend to the 2 marks lost instead of the 98% gained. They care about time, performance, cleanliness instead of fun joy, empathy, kindness, and the precious moments he is missing with his child. The child is more in fear and awe of the parent. Learns to obey, not with his heart but because he wants to avoid the punishments. Learns to lie, to cover up. Learns to hate himself for any of his shortcomings. These type of parents may be admired but not loved at the present time when the child is growing up. He might also turn out to be as devoid of finer emotions as his parents.
When the father and mother have different opinion about child rearing, the situation again might be chaotic if they are not wise and argue in front of the child as to whose views are correct. The child in the middle of this is scared and confused and stop listening to both the parents. Whatever good things they both have to offer will be wasted.
Having said all this it is only understandable that we enter into parenthood without any educational or experiential qualifications, unlike any other official job ,for the most important occupation in the world, of shaping future world citizens
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