Lot of parents take their job real seriously.It is actually great.But the old tamil adage, too much of anything will give the opposit effects ,proves right here too.
Let us examin how this happens.When we think of our child as too young to look after himself and do everything for him without even giving an oppertunity to be his ownself.Some mothers actually are filled with pride when they say" My family cannot do anything in my absense." What we are doing here is ,making him a dependent,who leans on other people for even ordinary needs.Later on any responsibility will scare him.This will in turn carode his self confidence,self worth and lead to insecurity,not able to adjust when his usual comforts are absent.This reminds me of the scene in the last emperor when the imprisoned king struggles to tie his shoe lace.
The child learns to speak by observing us.Imitates by babbling,later on works his vocal chords to come out with the exact words.From the time of his birth he works at making himself into a man ,as montessori says.Struggles with his muscles to walk, run, write, work.Real challenge!He surpasses every stage himself.What a joy! No one can do away this hard work which he has to do for himself.
But as he reaches the age of two.he thinks "O.k now I can walk,even run.My hands can reach my mouth and do whatever I order them with some sloppyness but still I can manage with a little difficulty,.I can think and understand a little bit.Now I can be more independent with a little adult guidance".It is at this point we suddenly decide to take over.
We think"He is too young to feed himself,most of what he grabs will fall.and what a mess I woould have to clean up later!"He has hands.But we would not let him the pleasure of feeding himself.He tries to rebel by not allowing another morsel into his mouth .We wait for our chance and as soon as he opens his mouth to speak or anything ,we immediately push a big lump into his mouth.He rebels even more.We lable him problem eater.
The same goes for sleeping and learning.We do not let him think of sleep as a normal process.It is made out to be his time for tantrums and our time for singing lullabis,or some people like to take him for a ride in the car until he sleeps.He must be really proud of himself for making us do all the funny stuff to feed and put him to sleep!!!
Let us see another type of parents. They are very protective-so very protective they want to prevent any possible calamities way ahead of its time. They would all the time be running behind the child calling out"Don’t jump .You may fall. Don’t go out .It is going to rain. You may catch a cold. Don’t touch that gadget. It may break.” It would be a real wonder if the child comes out unscathed from all this shielding. What are the parents giving to this child? A life of fear of taking risk. When a mother throws a fit everytime a child cries saying” He might catch fever if he cries too much, actually lends herself to be easily manipulated by the child.
There are so many different ways parenting is done as many variety of temperaments. Take for example the permissive parents who do not want to sadden their little child.They dance to every whims and fancies of the child. They would not hesitate to go out in a raging stormy midnight to fulfill their child ‘s frivolous demand. But how long they will be happy to abide.
Soon they will see their child turning out to be a selfish person with ruthless demands and no appreciation for anyone’s effort. He wants things. So he feels it is his right that others should fulfill it for him. It might also lead him to having no inner control and becoming addicted to his whims. The child in this case would really be wishing inwardly for somebody to draw a definite line of control. He would be afraid of his own aggressive behavior. He will be an unfulfilled and dissatisfied person too. The same loving parents will resent themselves for not being effective parents.
This makes us turn the spotlight on disciplinarian parents. This is also not good when carried beyond a point. In the name of discipline children may be punished in disproportion to their deeds. Disciplinarians concentrate so much on the behavior aspects they might leave emotional scars on them. Most disciplinarians cannot bring themselves to hug or kiss their children, bond or be close to them depriving them of these rich emotional experiences.
Their concentration is on how things should be without taking into account the reality of limitations, temperaments and capabilities. They attend to the 2 marks lost instead of the 98% gained. They care about time, performance, cleanliness instead of fun joy, empathy, kindness, and the precious moments he is missing with his child. The child is more in fear and awe of the parent. Learns to obey, not with his heart but because he wants to avoid the punishments. Learns to lie, to cover up. Learns to hate himself for any of his shortcomings. These type of parents may be admired but not loved at the present time when the child is growing up. He might also turn out to be as devoid of finer emotions as his parents.
When the father and mother have different opinion about child rearing, the situation again might be chaotic if they are not wise and argue in front of the child as to whose views are correct. The child in the middle of this is scared and confused and stop listening to both the parents. Whatever good things they both have to offer will be wasted.
Having said all this it is only understandable that we enter into parenthood without any educational or experiential qualifications, unlike any other official job ,for the most important occupation in the world, of shaping future world citizens
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Growing up in the village
When I see today's young children spending their times mostly in front of the T.V, I really pity them for what they miss out, in comparison with my own childhood in the village, amidst the entire splendor nature has to offer. When I think of those days a pleasant cozy feeling fills my heart.
The house I lived had all my extended relatives under one roof. My great grand mother was the superior of the household. Then there were my grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and guests from time to time. Meals time was a grand affair. Children were looked after with so much expertise handed over through hierarchical experience.
Home remedies treated most of the minor complaints. Going to /and the availability of the doctor was very rare. Everyone seemed healthy also. What with walking all through the length and breadth of the street long house, doing everything manually, drinking pure water from the well, milk from the household cattle, vegetable from the backyard garden. Name any fruit, vegetable or flower, it was there. In fact people were actually ashamed to complain about health. We can also add the unpolluted air they were lucky to breathe, the timely simple meals from organic vegetation they ate.
Every alternate week the children were given either ground tender neem leaves with curd or castor oil. [To ensure our stomach were cleansed of any toxics, Of course with lot of resistance from us!] Weekly oil baths were ritualistic. Morning baths in the temple tank where children learnt to swim without the aid of coach, from one another, and flaunted their prowess.
Play hours in the mango groove afternoons spent playing indoor games with different aged people were really great. It was a real bonding time with elders, the dayakattam and pallanguzhi. Kallukai-I even remember some of the songs we used to sing, and hand eye co-ordination we developed by playing with pebbles and tamarind seeds. We never knew what it was to get bored. But now day’s children, inspite of all the so-called sophisticated gadgets to amuse them do not know how to keep themselves occupied or entertained
The house I lived had all my extended relatives under one roof. My great grand mother was the superior of the household. Then there were my grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and guests from time to time. Meals time was a grand affair. Children were looked after with so much expertise handed over through hierarchical experience.
Home remedies treated most of the minor complaints. Going to /and the availability of the doctor was very rare. Everyone seemed healthy also. What with walking all through the length and breadth of the street long house, doing everything manually, drinking pure water from the well, milk from the household cattle, vegetable from the backyard garden. Name any fruit, vegetable or flower, it was there. In fact people were actually ashamed to complain about health. We can also add the unpolluted air they were lucky to breathe, the timely simple meals from organic vegetation they ate.
Every alternate week the children were given either ground tender neem leaves with curd or castor oil. [To ensure our stomach were cleansed of any toxics, Of course with lot of resistance from us!] Weekly oil baths were ritualistic. Morning baths in the temple tank where children learnt to swim without the aid of coach, from one another, and flaunted their prowess.
Play hours in the mango groove afternoons spent playing indoor games with different aged people were really great. It was a real bonding time with elders, the dayakattam and pallanguzhi. Kallukai-I even remember some of the songs we used to sing, and hand eye co-ordination we developed by playing with pebbles and tamarind seeds. We never knew what it was to get bored. But now day’s children, inspite of all the so-called sophisticated gadgets to amuse them do not know how to keep themselves occupied or entertained
Child and discipline
What we mean generally by a disciplined behavior is that the way a person conducts himself, by not being discourteous and by being sensitive to other people’s feelings, He will not indulge in activities harmful to others or himself.
While bringing up a child we are faced with the predicament of how to achieve this task effectively. A child comes into this world knowing nothing. For him good and bad or one and the same. Whatever he learns he does by observing and absorbing his environment. So fore most it is essential to provide an atmosphere of peace, harmony calmness and beauty for him to become inwardly peaceful.
Yet toddlers are basically raw, savage like,[hard hit parents will vouch for that] use their brutal power and tantrums to get their ways. Getting them to understand and adapt to civilized behavior demands hard work.
Let us understand a toddler. His vocabulary is limited; He expresses everything through crying, shouting biting [Uses his mouth in every way] He uses his hands and legs too to force his way, kick, grab.hit [exactly how our prehistoric ancestors did. He is egocentric, never likes to share his things with others. Not only that, he wants everything he sees around, for himself. Parents know that it is a very difficult job to convince or distract him.
By disciplining him we mean that he will behave well not only when the teacher or the parents are around. But to create an internal discipline, which will help him, carry through life successfully
Neither too pessimissive attitude, which results in creating obnoxious behavior which the parents themselves regret later, not too strict or harsh treatment which the children grudges for years to come is advisible.what is important is to strike a balance. Always appreciate and reward good behavior. Set rules in the very beginning. Follow them with consistence and firmness. Allow openhearted discussion. Always explain your stand. Why you want certain behavior, what consequences you think will happen otherwise. Very often motivate them by what you expect out of them. Gently guiding them in the path of good. Wherever possible use tact. Listen to them without opinionating and seek to understand them. Accept them as they are. Let them be themselves. Allow individual differences. Never be over demanding never push your choice on them. Understand the limitations of their age and immaturity. Be age appropriate. Do not over expect. Be realistic
From very young age create proper eating hours and bedtime routine. This will stand good in the long run. Children learn lot of bad behavior from the media too. So at least in the younger years take care that they are not exposed to violence and other bad influences
While bringing up a child we are faced with the predicament of how to achieve this task effectively. A child comes into this world knowing nothing. For him good and bad or one and the same. Whatever he learns he does by observing and absorbing his environment. So fore most it is essential to provide an atmosphere of peace, harmony calmness and beauty for him to become inwardly peaceful.
Yet toddlers are basically raw, savage like,[hard hit parents will vouch for that] use their brutal power and tantrums to get their ways. Getting them to understand and adapt to civilized behavior demands hard work.
Let us understand a toddler. His vocabulary is limited; He expresses everything through crying, shouting biting [Uses his mouth in every way] He uses his hands and legs too to force his way, kick, grab.hit [exactly how our prehistoric ancestors did. He is egocentric, never likes to share his things with others. Not only that, he wants everything he sees around, for himself. Parents know that it is a very difficult job to convince or distract him.
By disciplining him we mean that he will behave well not only when the teacher or the parents are around. But to create an internal discipline, which will help him, carry through life successfully
Neither too pessimissive attitude, which results in creating obnoxious behavior which the parents themselves regret later, not too strict or harsh treatment which the children grudges for years to come is advisible.what is important is to strike a balance. Always appreciate and reward good behavior. Set rules in the very beginning. Follow them with consistence and firmness. Allow openhearted discussion. Always explain your stand. Why you want certain behavior, what consequences you think will happen otherwise. Very often motivate them by what you expect out of them. Gently guiding them in the path of good. Wherever possible use tact. Listen to them without opinionating and seek to understand them. Accept them as they are. Let them be themselves. Allow individual differences. Never be over demanding never push your choice on them. Understand the limitations of their age and immaturity. Be age appropriate. Do not over expect. Be realistic
From very young age create proper eating hours and bedtime routine. This will stand good in the long run. Children learn lot of bad behavior from the media too. So at least in the younger years take care that they are not exposed to violence and other bad influences
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